Hunter Koenig here, dogs and dog lovers, bringing you a fascinating story today. It’s the story of a big network with a bad idea. It’s the story of two great comedic talents pitted against one another in an epic battle over air time. It’s the story of massive chin vs. fluffy hair. I’m very pleased to welcome Mr. Conan O’Brien back to our show. Mr. O’Brien, wouldn’t it be easier to just let NBC push your show’s start time back to 12:05, after Leno?

Conan: Easier, but stupid. It’s called The Tonight Show. To-night. If it starts after midnight, it’s really The Extremely Early Tomorrow Morning Show, isn’t it?

Hunter: That doesn’t sound as appealing.

Conan: No joke.

Hunter: So what will you do?

Conan: I think I’ll –

Hunter: Ooh! I have a great idea! Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol …

Conan: You’re not suggesting …

Hunter: Why not? Give us a Simon line – see how it feels.

Conan: Hmm … I’d rather have my kidneys removed through my nostrils than listen to your screeching any longer.

Hunter: See? You’re a natural! Ooh! And I have another idea too!

Conan: My, aren’t you just full of it?

Hunter: Well, yes. You could work here, on The Hunter Koenig Show. You could do a monologue to warm up my audience.

Conan: What audience?

Hunter: It is a little smaller than what you’re used to.

Conan: How small?

Hunter: Twelve.

Conan: Million?

Hunter: No, just twelve.

Conan: So you want me to move from one of the most respected institutions on television to telling jokes to twelve dogs?

Hunter: I guess it would be a little step down for you. So you’re not interested?

Conan: Hold on now, I didn’t say that. What’s this gig pay?

Hunter: “Pay” is such an ugly word.

Conan: No, “colonoscopy” is an ugly word. Let’s talk dollars.

Hunter: We’d be talking cents, actually.

Conan: (sighing) Thanks, but I think I’ll keep my options open.

Hunter: Yeah, I guess you could do better. Well, you know what they say, Conan – “When one door closes, jump out a window.”

Money, money, money! Don’t you like the sound of that, dogs and dog lovers? Have you ever lain awake at night dreaming of what you would do if you had a million dollars? Boy, I sure have. Well, my guest on today’s Hunter Koenig Show doesn’t have to dream anymore, because he actually won one million dollars in the Cutest Dog Contest. He’s the very cute and now stunningly rich Chihuahua Dr. Papidias, and he’s giving his first solo interview to us here today. Dr. Papidias, welcome. When you first entered that contest, did you think you had a shot at the grand prize?

Dr. Papidias: I did. I’ve always been extremely confident, so I wasn’t surprised at all when I won.

Hunter: Have you actually gotten your cut of the money yet?

Dr. Papidias: Oh, I’m not getting a cut. My person, Leslie, is donating it all to shelter charities to help animals in need.

Hunter: Really? Every single cent of it?

Dr. Papidias: Sure. What else would you do with that much money?

Hunter: Buy a new car, a fancy dog house, a diamond-studded collar …

Dr. Papidias: Who needs stupid stuff like that?

Hunter: Well then, how about a new tie for your favorite television celebrity?

Dr. Papidias: Oprah needs a new tie?

Hunter: Never mind – just forget I said that. Didn’t you want to put all your money into a big pile and roll around in it, maybe chew up a few twenties just because you can?

Dr. Papidias: No. I don’t know where you’re getting all these dumb ideas from. Why would you chew up money?

Hunter: Oh, it’s just a little thing I think about sometimes. Just once I’d like to gnaw on a dead president and not get grounded for it. Your person must be very generous. Did she give you a nice juicy steak after you won?

Dr. Papidias: No, just my regular little treats and a great big hug. Leslie’s such a good hugger. I’m so proud of her for helping those other animals.

Hunter: You know what, Pappy? We’re proud of her too.

Hunter Koenig here, dogs and dog lovers. My guest today made headlines recently at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, where she delivered a stunning acceptance speech after receiving the Breakthrough Actress award for her portrayal of a homely social worker in the 2009 movie Precious. Ms. Mariah Carey, welcome back to our show. It’s nice to see you wearing your own makeup today. Let’s talk about your, uh, unusual speech. You gushed, you cursed, you rambled, you randomly applauded Helen Mirren. The most coherent thing you did was giggle.

Mariah: (giggling) Really?

Hunter: Really. Would you like to tell us what happened?

Mariah: I would, but I don’t remember a dang thing.

Hunter: Is it safe to say you were inebriated?

Mariah: Ineba who now?

Hunter: Sloshed.

Mariah: Oooooh! Yeah!

Hunter: Well, I thought I’d give you a chance to redeem yourself today. You can give the speech you would have given if you hadn’t been, uh … incapacitated.

Mariah: Ooooh!

After a long silence.

Hunter: You can start speaking anytime.

Mariah: I’m so happy here. Wow! Aren’t you just the cutest little thing? What are you, some kind of ferret?

Hunter: Please stop patting my head.

Mariah: You’re funny too. C’mere!

Hunter: Hey! Put me down!

Mariah: Aw, it’s okay, funny ferret.

Hunter: You’re not succeeding at redeeming yourself right now, Ms. Carey. Please stop squeezing me.

Mariah: Hey, you look familiar.

Hunter: Well, you have been on my show before.

Mariah: Hold on – are you the little freak who put that cheap makeup on me and made me look like a dead clown?

Hunter: Maybe.

Mariah: I’m gonna get that little freak!

Hunter: In that case, no, I’m a different freak – er, host.

Mariah: You’re a good ferret.

Hunter: Yes, that’s right.

Mariah: We’re friends, right? You understand how I feel about getting an Ugly Award, right?

Hunter: Wasn’t it for Breakthrough Actr –

Mariah: Shut up, punk! I won an Ugly Award. It’s the end of the world, understand?

Hunter: Oh, okay. Perhaps a light application of this left-over makeup will make you feel better …

Greetings and welcome to The Hunter Koenig Show, dogs and dog lovers. Mr. Donald Trump recently announced the cast for the latest season of his Celebrity Apprentice series, promising that this cast would blow away that other show with celebrities and alleged celebrities, Dancing with the Stars. Who’s the biggest name on The Donald’s show? That would be my guest today, former governor of Illinois Mr. Rod Blagejo … uh, Bloji … uh, Baggyvich. Mr. Baggyvich, do you mind if I just call you Baggy?

Blagojevich: Yes, I mind.

Hunter: You look a little baggy. Is that something you’re doing for publicity?

Blagojevich: This is my natural appearance. You’ll never prove otherwise.

Hunter: Is it true that The Donald chose you because he admires your hair?

Blagojevich: Donny loves my hair. Donny wishes he had hair as good as mine. Maybe, in exchange for a little cash, I’ll give Donny boy some grooming tips.

Hunter: So your hair is for sale?

Blagojevich: Everything’s for sale.

Hunter: Would you shave your head if The Donald asked you to?

Blagojevich: For cash and/or extra air time, you bet.

Hunter: You were forced from office under suspicion of greed and corruption, and you’re awaiting trial. In the meantime, you’ve been working hard at being a big celebrity. Baggy, you seem to have been tailor-made for reality TV.

Blagojevich: I’ll tell ya something, pup. Politics and reality TV are exactly the same. The political tools and skills I used as governor are going to continue to bring me success and fame.

Hunter: So you’re going to use theft, bribery, and threats?

Blagojevich: No. See, in politics we call it borrowing, benevolence, and persuasion.

Hunter: Do you honestly think Mr. Trump will hire you?

Blagojevich: Honesty is for chumps. I’ll convince Donny that if he truly loves his hair he has no option but to hire me.

Hunter: Is that a threat?

Blagojevich: Who’s threatening? I’m persuading.

Hunter: It just sounded sort of threatening, like The Donald’s hair might be in danger or something.

Blagojevich: You’ll never prove anything.

Hunter: Donald, guard your hair!

Greetings and welcome to The Hunter Koenig Show, dogs and dog lovers. Have you ever done anything crazy? I mean something really crazy, like do a double flip on a motorcycle or intentionally run your car off the end of a pier? My guest today has done that and more. He’s crazy person Mr. Travis Pastrana, who on New Year’s Eve set a world record by jumping a rally car 269 feet from a Long Beach pier over the water and onto a barge. It was all part of Red Bull’s New Year, No Limits series. How was the jump, Mr. Pastrana?

Pastrana: Awesome! It was perfect, except I crashed a little bit at the end. But who cares?

Hunter: Hmm … And you’ve done other stuff like riding a motorcycle off the edge of the Grand Canyon and jumping out of a perfectly good airplane without a parachute.

Pastrana: Yeah!

Hunter: Has anyone ever approached you with a straightjacket?

Pastrana: What, you mean like for a stunt?

Hunter: No, I mean like to put you someplace safe and medicate you.

Pastrana: Man, that would not be cool.

Hunter: But it could be for your own good. You seem to be ever so slightly insane.

Pastrana: Aw, man, you’re a wimp. What did you do for New Year’s?

Hunter: I fell asleep on the sofa with my person and our cat at about 9:30.

Pastrana: That’s lame.

Hunter: But the cat was there – that’s always dangerous!

Pastrana: You’re afraid of little kitty cats? Aw, poor widdle puppy.

Hunter: I’m not afraid! I’m just, uh …

Pastrana: Afraid?

Hunter: No!

Pastrana: What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

Hunter: Once I jumped from the sofa to the coffee table to get a forbidden cupcake.

Pastrana: How did it feel?

Hunter: Great! I was like, “Hello, cupcake!” The icing was sooo yummy.

Pastrana: See – that’s life on the edge. Next time, jump over the coffee table and bounce off the cat to get your cupcake.

Hunter: But that’s nuts! I could be horribly maimed!

Pastrana: Hey, no limits, man.

A brand-new year is almost upon us, dogs and dog lovers. It’s time to start over, time to remake ourselves, time to become the dogs and dog lovers we’d most like to be. But where do we start? And how do we stay motivated on the long, hard road to a new us? To answer those questions and more, I’ve brought in canine life coach Chipper Min Pin. He’s got some great ideas for 2010. So how ’bout it, Chipper? How can we make 2010 a terrific year for dogs?

Chipper: Simple, Hunter. So many dogs make grandiose plans on the morning of January 1, but by that afternoon they’ve either napped them all away or played so much fetch they’re dizzy and can’t remember anything. What we need is follow-through.

Hunter: And how do we achieve that?

Chipper: By purchasing my new e-book, Yes, Dogs Can! full of pithy slogans and sayings to keep you on track.

Hunter: “Pithy”?

Chipper: You bet! And right now, absolutely free, I’m going to reveal a small part of my secret for success: DOG.

Hunter: Dog?

Chipper: Yes, DOG: Dream! Organize! Go! What’s your dream for 2010, Hunter?

Hunter: To land a prime-time gig on CNN, but I don’t really think –

Chipper: I’m going to stop you there, Hunter, and do you know why? Because you’re thinking negatively, and negative thinking doesn’t work with DOG. The solution to that is a little something I call PNN: Positivity, Not Negativity! Got it?

Hunter: Uh …

Chipper: Great! And I noticed your dream has letters in it too. Use this to your advantage. CNN: Canine News Network!

Hunter: I like that.

Chipper: Can Nose News!

Hunter: Uh …

Chipper: You’ve got the D, now go for the OG. Organize! Go!

Hunter: Can’t I just write my résumé and make an audition tape?

Chipper: That’s SMOG: Small Minds Order Goo.

Hunter: Wait – I’m confused.

Chipper: When you’re confused, just CHILL: Concentrate Hugely –

Hunter: Stop! No more letters!

Chipper: Then remember this one little saying for inspiration: Let 2010 go to the dogs!

Hunter: (sighing) Happy New Year, everybody.

Well, dogs and dog lovers, 2009 is ending soon and it’s time to take stock of where we’ve been and look ahead to where we’re going. Who better to help us do that than my hero, Mr. Larry King? Larry, thank you for joining us on The Hunter Koenig Show once again. Hasn’t this been a weird year?

Larry: It’s been a hard year for many people.

Hunter: And for dogs.

Larry: True.

Hunter: A lot of strange stuff happened too, like when Mr. Tom DeLay shook his booty on Dancing with the Stars.

Larry: You thought that was strange? I found it fascinating.

Hunter: You find Tom DeLay’s booty fascinating?

Larry: Only when it shakes. You think my booty could shake like that?

Hunter: Good God, I hope not! How ’bout that Octomom? Did you find that fascinating?

Larry: Okay, that was weird.

Hunter: I know! I mean, a dog has eight puppies and no one bats en eye.

Larry: It’s a little different for people though.

Hunter: I’ll say. You know what else is different for people? Faithfulness. How ’bout that Jon Gosselin guy?

Larry: And don’t forget the many mistresses of Tiger Woods.

Hunter: Yeah, but what can you expect from a guy named for a cat? Which brings us to the strangest story of 2009: A cat moved into my house.

Larry: That was news?

Hunter: It was to me.

Larry: Aww … I’ll bet you’re cute playing with a cat.

Hunter: I don’t play with it! I just let it chase me sometimes to make Mattie laugh.

Larry: The bloggers are gonna have a field day with that. “Hunter’s new playmate says ‘Meow’!” Ha ha.

Hunter: It’s not funny! This could kill my career.

Larry: Turn it to your advantage next year.

Hunter: Impossible!

Larry: How many viewers do you have now – twelve, thirteen?

Hunter: Roughly.

Larry: But if cats watched too …

Hunter: Blasphemy! What kind of dog do you think I am?

Larry: One who’d cozy up to a cat if it meant getting a prime-time contract with CNN.

Hunter: Grr … Hmm.…

Greetings, dogs and dog lovers, and welcome to The Hunter Koenig Show. Our topic today is the mysterious and shocking world of Christmas security. Joining me once again is our guarding and barking expert, little Lucy Min Pin, Director of Homeland Security at 12 Maple Avenue. Lucy, is Christmas a dangerous time for our homelands?

Lucy: Hunter, this is the biggest security threat dogs have ever faced. On Christmas Eve humans actually want some jolly weirdo in a red suit to enter their homes, usually through a chimney. It’s crazy.

Hunter: I believe you’re referring to Santa Claus. He brings presents to all the good little boys and girls and dogs.

Lucy: I don’t care what the guy calls himself. From a security standpoint, this Claus character is just an infiltrator whose main objective is to leave behind unattended, unidentifiable packages. Who knows what might be in those things?

Hunter: Well, I’m hoping for a new squeaky toy.

Lucy: Don’t be so naïve. Those things could be filled with explosives, or maybe even biological agents.

Hunter: Really? Santa and the elves would do that?

Lucy: Don’t get me started on those disgusting little elves. Terrorists, every single one of ’em. They’re worse than squirrels.

Hunter: I think they’re cute.

Lucy: Are you trying to make me cry, Hunter? What kind of dog are you?

Hunter: I’m a dog who loves Christmas.

Lucy: Will you love it when Mr. S. Claus and his elf minions steal everything in your home and leave behind brightly wrapped explosive devices?

Hunter: Santa steals too?

Lucy: There’s a training film you should see. It’s called How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Hunter: I thought that was just a fun holiday special.

Lucy: Geez, dog, you must have gotten the deluxe brainwashing service. Did you get the Turtle Wax too?

Hunter: Uh …

Lucy: Just as I thought. Listen, dogs of America. Secure your chimneys! If you see a big red butt, bite it. Bark relentlessly at elves. Destroy unattended “presents” with extreme prejudice.

Hunter: I think you’re going on Santa’s “naughty” list, Lucy.

Lucy: Then I’ve done my job.

What sort of gift do you get for the person who has everything? That’s always a tough question for a dog, and it gets even tougher when that person won’t lend you their credit card. But Hunter Koenig is nothing if not resourceful, and I have turned to the wonderful world of online dating to find the perfect Christmas gift for my special person. Dogs and dog lovers, meet Bachelor #1. Bachelor, say hello to the viewers.

Bachelor: Uh, I thought I was here to meet a hot chick.

Hunter: Later. Let’s get to know each other first, dog to man. Now, do you like dogs?

Bachelor: Sure.

Hunter: I mean, do you really like dogs? Specifically, do you like me?

Bachelor: You seem a little strange. And short.

Hunter: I see. And how do you relate to dogs?

Bachelor: I let ’em know I’m the boss.

Hunter: Ooh, that’s gonna count against you.

Bachelor: Count against me how? I’m here for a date.

Hunter: Not exactly. You’re here to audition for a date with my very special person, Mattie. See, she’s going to this Christmas party and –

Bachelor: And she asked her dog to find her a date?

Hunter: No, no. I’m surprising her with a hunky date for Christmas. Cute, right?

Bachelor: That’s, like, really weird.

Hunter: Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. Now, do you prefer crunchy or chewy dog treats?

Bachelor: I don’t think I want a relationship with some chick who uses her dog as a dating service.

Hunter: Whoa! Slow down there, fella. I never mentioned a “relationship.” This audition is for one date only. You think I want some chump like you taking up all my “Mattie time”?

Bachelor: I guess one date might be okay. You got a picture of this girl?

Hunter: Sure. Here ya go. This isn’t really her best side.

Bachelor: Eeww!

Hunter: I took the picture while she was sleeping. She doesn’t normally drool like that.

Bachelor: Forget it, pup. I can’t ruin my rep.